Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Project close up

I have decided to move my posts to another blog. I never feel motivated to write in this particular one because I created this account to reflect on my summer 2010 musings/projects. Now that I've finished that (almost a year ago already), it feels weird to write here.

My new blog is:

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Project Garden Salad wrap up

I just wanted to recap this particular summer project of mine.

Although I never actually ate my spinach, swiss chard and tomato at the same time (due to my lack of research for when they bloom in the summer), I think it went pretty well. :) I had some spinach bowls, a swiss chard bowl and now I'm just popping tomatoes into my mouth. yay!

Here is Tom:

Maybe next year I'll try for carrots too.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The final curtain call of summer: a long-ass confessional

Where did it go?

Looking back on what I've done this summer, I feel like I have plateau-ed. I made no plans for the summer, and I did nothing. Or it is more correct to say that I have done things, but I haven't grown as a person. I almost feel as if my summer has been a waste and I'm left with an empty feeling. I'm still as "stuck" in indecision as I was going into the summer as I am going out. hmmm... I feel disappointed because I wanted to find a direction in life even though I didn't explicitly think to.

At the end of the school year, I remember breaking down. I remember being upset that I wasn't smart enough, that I had no direction in life, and most distressingly, no motivation to to find it. I reserved that my summer was to be stress-free, with time for me to indulge in hobbies that I've meant to pursue. Initially, that plan failed when I had to take these courses in may/june. I even dropped out of one because I couldn't handle that stress. More stress. Deadlines. Procrastination. God, I feel like I'm almost afraid of stress. I definitely don't thrive in it and I don't have the motivation to do my assignment prior the due date. Its a vicious cycle and its addictive to retain. During those two months, I got a taste of what a scientist does... and I hated disliked it immensely. I know to never go down that path.

During those 2 months and the 3 weeks succeeding it, I did manage to pursue some hobbies. I took to gardening, a little bit of cooking/baking, and biking. In my "down" time, I realized how enjoyable it is to do something different. However much I failed did poorly on some aspects of it (i.e. forgetting to water my plant which lead to partial dessication, overcooking a dish, potato-couching), it was a learning experience to try. I think these random bits of different hobbies I wanted to try stemmed from the need to be inherently good at something (however random it may be). Now I know that being proficient at something requires lots of practice and persistence, but I wanted a nudge; a sign to say that I can be "good" at something, that I'm not worthless and that this positive feeling that I want so badly would drive me to get at better and better at it. Making a mistake had strong ramifications on my hobby pursual. I'm tired of failing and I know its horrible to say that and I know that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and I know that my immediate response is to stop trying so that I don't really "fail". I have come to realize all of this and now I wonder if my career "rut" is due to my fear of failing and/or my lack of motivation. In addition, I wonder what I can do about it. The starting point for all my hobbies this summer was to look for a nudge, and I didn't find it.

Now, after those three weeks, I went to Bamfield. I actually didn't want to go because I was afraid of going out of my comfort zone and I just wanted to stay at home and do nothing/something (depending on how you look at it). I'm glad and not glad that I went. It was a great experience where I got to learn skills that I can carry on later in life, meet amazing people, and got to encounter breathtaking moments. But, but but but but it was also another reminder of what I always do. No surprise, I didn't handle stress well on my final project, and came out unsatisfied with it.  God, that stress encompassed me and gripped me... so hard. I had the motivation to make a good project, one that I was proud of, but I had audio issues and I couldn't deal with it. I didn't handle the stress that came with technical problems well. The nature of making/editing a film is to be stressed about it until the last minute and the timeframe of this project was left to the last minute (since it was an intensive course). It was a recipe for disaster for me. I didn't realize it until it was too late and I reverted to my old habits. With all the wonderful things that happened on this trip, it was also another kick in the gut for me too. (I still love to video edit though, but on my own time with no impending deadline. )

I've been back from Bamfield for almost 2 weeks now and I've still come to no answer, no nudge, just repeating cycles that all end in the same result. Its ridiculous at this point but I don't know what else to do.

Looking back at what I've typed, I do forget to mention that I wasn't all unhappy. I'm generally not an unhappy person; I find enjoyment in simply drifting and doing simple things but deep down I know that I can't do this forever and I must come to a conclusion. The question is, how.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I swam in bioluminescent water this morning at 1 am. In the Pacific Ocean at Pachina Beach during a bonfire. Absolutely amazing <3

Saturday, August 7, 2010

More Bamfield, the cat house and 15 blurbs

Man oh man, I am a freaking roll with these posts. I just sent my paper off after reading it one more time. I think its looking pretty good right now.

              In my previous Bamfield photo posts, I forgot to include these:                          

                          An on the water shot of the Bamfield Campus

This is really only for Vinci and all the other cat lovers out there. This is the Bamfield Cat House. Apparently, this old lady fed a bunch of cats in Bamfield and it escalated until she had about 90 cats. Once she passed away, the towns people had this problem of what to do with them. They decided to neuter  the majority of them (Bamfield is realllly small) but keep the rest of them in this sanctuary. Townspeople regularly donate food to the cat house the townspeople and collectively pay for vet bills. Isn't that so sweet? <3

Awhile back, I promised Nicole to do a 15 things blurb about my life right now. I don't remember if the number is 15 or if it has any other requirements, but here it is:

1. I am currently in Bamfield, which is south west of Vancouver (I thought it was parallel, but its not)
2. Yesterday, a sick bear came onto the campus right into our front doors, so the staff on campus had to call a animal regulations officer to kill him :(
3. I played spin the bottle last last night for a classmates movie trailer video. I know. I haven't played that in a realllllllly long time.
4. I've been changing my hair part to cover the occasional forehead pimples I have.
5. I currently have a stash of coolers and beer in the fridge on the bottom floor for some lovely parties.
6. I have the worst love luck ever.
7. I'm starting to wonder about the cleanliness of these dorms. People walk into the bathroom bare foot. I definitely have to wear slippers going in there
8. My filmmaking class is absolutely amazing and when I leave here, I'll be coming out a film nerd 8-)
9. A bad thing about this class is that it makes you want what you can't afford. I really want DSLR camera with built in HD video components. :( A Rebel T2i = ~ $1000
10. On my midterm, I didn't know the definition of PAL. Supposedly its the European standard for film and television (ours is called NTSC). Instead of leaving a blank, I wrote "a friend :)".
11. My midterm had 2 bonus marks in it. To earn it, you had to write a poem about our class. In my poem, I compared scientific filmmaking to baking.
12. The amount of people I meet here is amazing. Its so strange. I can't imagine living without them now and not having them barge through me and my roomie door. But in a weeks time, I will have to.
13. I love doing laundry. There is nothing like the smell of Tide in your clothes when you are treking to class.
14. I am such a pro on stairs and steep inclines now. Bamfield has so many of them. You better watch out Grouse Grind.
15. My class is going to my prof's house this evening to watch the movie trailers we have been making as a side project. Hello beer and popcorn.

I'm banking on 4 hours of sleep right now....so since its a saturday and thankfully, there are no classes (we can have class here 6 days a week), I'm going back to sleep. ;)

Friday, August 6, 2010

Bamfield photos

... I got my external hard drive on wed <3

These aren't all the photos, photovisi appears to miss out some of the important ones even though I clicked them. I have one for all of Bamfield but its not here :S. Oh well. This can be a teaser.
Found my topic for my documentary! I am going to document the insects and invertebrates that we step on as we walk on a forest trail and intertidal zone. I'll get in some banana slugs, barnacles, sea stars, mussels, insects...etc. I'll let you know the details when I write my 5 pager. Due tomorrow.

Till then!

7:03 pm: Stupid 5-pager has driven me to alcoholism.
I know its just a cooler, but if I start this up, who knows how this will escalate. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Calling for some inspiration please!...and more blurbs about what I've been doing

I feel really silly saying that here in Bamfield, but nothing has got me inspired enough to write my one page proposals for 3 documentary topics. I have to prepare a storyline, or no, 3 storylines by tuesday morning and I haven't started because I'm not inspired. Initially, I really wanted my final documentary project to be on OceanWise, focusing on sustainable fishing techniques and the pros/cons to the public but that idea got quickly shut down when I realized I have to be in Vancouver to get all the proper interviews, film shots, etc. So now I'm stuck! I've thought about so many ideas for days, but with no avail! 
Okay, moving on, I went to Ucluelet today by boat since today is everyone's one day off. Apparently its 150km from Bamfield to Ucluelet by car but only 15 miles by boat. Go figure. I saw some awesome grey whales today and got a little footage with some tail action. I also got some great stellar sea lions footage, and many birds that got everyone but me going "oooo". The boat ride (including taking time for animal spotting) takes about 2 hours one way. Towards the end I felt a little sea sick @_@ I was on a maybe 20-foot cope (looks like a fishing boat) so I had some major waves splash in my face. Ucluelet as a town, is a smaller version of Port Alberni but it has the cute-est little book shop and a co-op supermarket. Overall, I would say that today was definitely worth it, although I'm awefully tired now.

Thus far, I have seen in:
-stella sea lions
-grey whales
-black bears
... on this trip.
 There are apparently lots of nudibranchs (<3) here too but I just havent gotten the time to see them yet.  
I will update my list as I go along. 

Again, I will post lots of pics when I get my external hard drive. 

Oh, on another side note, I watched Taken the other day and it totally freaked me out for backpacking to Europe @_@ The plotline is basically about this young girl who was abducted for prostitution while travelling in Europe and her father (Liam Neeson) finding her. There are some seriously frightening elements in that movie because all of that could (however unlikely) could happen to me. While half of the people I was watching with slept through it, my eyes were wide open. Of course, as a Hollywood film, it was highly dramatized and some things got me questioning the storyline and realistic-ness, but stilllllllllllllllllll.